March 2009: Charlene McLachlan & Mark Petroff
LOVE IS APPRECIATING
"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated."
~ William James
Decisions Determine Destiny
A woman, wanting to show love to her husband, prepared a delicious gourmet meal with great effort. While racing to finish setting the table she forgot to wipe up some spilled hollandaise sauce on the kitchen counter. When her husband came home and walked into the kitchen he set down some important papers right on top of the sauce. Their relationship is about to change.
Circumstances like this have happened to most of us. Yet, what we do next greatly impacts our relationships. The husband may respond by quietly cleaning his papers while commenting on his wife’s generosity and wonderful culinary preparations. His comments will bring her joy by knowing that she has pleased him and that her efforts were deeply valued. Their intimate bond will be thereby strengthened. An opposite reaction would be that he angrily asks how she couldn’t have noticed the sticky glob on the counter she thoughtlessly left behind. This one self-concerned decision to ignore an opportunity to appreciate her (and instead criticize her) may lead to a night of conflict or disconnection, and perhaps words they both will later wish they had never said. Our moment to moment decisions really do determine the direction and ultimate destiny of our relationships. The heartfelt practice of consistent appreciation is a primary way to put our relationships back on a connecting course.
Costs and Benefits
Is your relationship losing energy and connection because of lack of appreciation? When a partner doesn’t feel valued they begin thinking, “What’s the point?” Living things such as plants cannot survive without nutrients. Likewise relationships cannot thrive without meaning and value which is expressed through the life-supporting nutrient of appreciation. If we miss opportunities and decide not to give gratitude for another, no one may notice. Yet, over the long term there may be a price to pay in the quality of our life and relationships. People around us may begin to feel overworked and undervalued. They will not want to go the extra mile for us. Whether they vocalize it or not, they will sense that they ‘can’t do it good enough’ for us. Closeness and connection will fade. Some of those around us may give up, close down, disconnect, get angry, or look elsewhere for recognition.
Don’t we all want to know we count, that we are valued, that our contributions are meaningful in our home, office, and with our extended family and friends? Certainly it is a basic human need to feel acknowledged and appreciated. Yet, how many of us actually do? And, on a scale of 1 to 10, how effectively do we consistently communicate appreciation to those around us? The quality of our relationships may reveal a gap between how we think we are doing and how we really are. Daily appreciation provides nourishment to a growing relationship that could otherwise become depleted.
People who appreciate us give us inspiration and motivation. They make life more enjoyable, and remind us that we are worthwhile. Our relationship with them is nurtured and strengthened by their attitude and actions. They have an uncanny ability to acknowledge us for who we are instead of who they think we should be. They express positive energy, grace, and an ability to focus on what is valuable in us. They benefit themselves by embodying such loving vibrations. Think of the people you know who embody appreciation as a way of being. What qualities do they express in their words and actions towards you? What kind of difference does this make in your life? What can you learn from their examples? Is there someone in your life that could similarly benefit from your appreciative speech and deeds today?
One of the core human fears is that we may not be enough for others. Smart enough, successful enough, talented enough, good-looking or emotionally fit enough. We believe if we are not enough, we may be rejected and left unloved, and this may feel like our very survival is threatened at some level. When we communicate to others that they are enough, we heal such fears, and we tend to experience ‘enough-ness’ ourselves. Our own heart is expanded with powerful and loving security. Love heals and replaces fear. Connection, giving, openness, awareness, intuition, inspired ideas, and abundant supply flow more freely through a grateful heart. Awareness of the good at hand tends to increase our capacity to recognize and receive more of it. Appreciation can also motivate others to show up for us in ways that may positively surprise us. How simple it is to acknowledge another for who they are to us and how they contribute to us and others!
If you think about it, the ones who call you a friend will likely be the ones whom you appreciate. At any moment in relating to others, we are either drawing them closer to us or pushing them away. Honoring another is an attractive way to validate another’s significance and draw them closer to us. Appreciation can support partners to feel enough meaning and strength to transcend fears and obstacles when life seems difficult, and by working through challenges as true partners the depth of the relationship is more fully empowered. A couple can generate a momentum of giving, since appreciation comes from a giving spirit. How will you be the love which is appreciating today?
Practicing Appreciation
1) Awareness of Blessings: When we focus on the goodness in our life, we tend to experience more of it. Pick a time each day to reflect on all the blessings you have experienced throughout your day. It might have been the friend who called unexpectedly to watch your children, the customer service representative who went the extra mile to solve your problem, or your partner who made your home more relaxing or beautiful to be in.
2) Appreciate Yourself: It is difficult to give appreciation to others when we are constantly criticizing ourselves. St. Augustine recognized the human need of feeling special when wrote that God, “…loves each of us, as if there were only one of us.” This week focus on how wonderful you are. On an index card write a list of five of your most significant or beautiful qualities, and recognize how you express them in your own unique way. This list may include your humor, persistence, creativity, or the way that you show care for others. Post this card at home or work or carry it in your purse or wallet, where you can see it regularly to help remind you to appreciate yourself and the divine gifts expressed through and as you.
3) Show Appreciation: This week pick two people in your life who may not be feeling your love as much as they could be. Write down some creative ways you could show them more appreciation and be pro-active. You might want to acknowledge the uniqueness of their spiritual pathway and essence, listen to what is important to them, or acknowledge their emotional needs and if appropriate act to meet them. Then notice the positive impact your words or actions have on those same relationships.
The above article is excerpted from Being Love (© 2007 by Mark Petroff & Charlene McLachlan).
Mark & Charlene are Certified Life Coaches residing in Orlando. They offer one-on-one and
relationship coaching through their Being Love Seminars. For more information,
visit: www.LifeCoachMark.com or email them: CSTChar@earthink.net and
LifeCoachMark@earthlink.net